If it were Always
by batbynight
Summary: What if Lily forgave Severus? What if she had chosen him over James Potter? (One-shot.)


**As much as I would like to say otherwise, the **_**fantastic**_** series of books that is Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling and not to myself. So if you try to say I'm stealing, I'll clock you. Just a friendly warning.**

The house was plain, but pretty; white with blue shutters, neatly cut grass, a silver mailing box poking out of the ground, teetering on a skinny wooden poll. The neighbor's grapefruit tree hung over the fence and some of the overripe fruits lay in the grass, beneath their branches. Severus made his way up the walk, his shoes thudding softly against the bricks. He knocked, he waited, and the door was answered by a slight girl with nearly as much neck as she had blonde hair. Petunia Evans always reminded Severus of a giraffe, though he'd never dare to say so aloud. "Is Lily here?" he asked.

"She's _out_," Petunia said, her tone sour, "And if you find her, tell her to _stay_ out." The door closed, curtly, and Severus was left standing on the doormat. It said 'Welcome', but Severus didn't feel welcome much of anywhere. Not really. He turned on his heel and started walking, digging his fists into his jean pockets and resisting the urge to knock over the mailbox as he rounded it.

He was at the creek before he had really thought about it. It seemed like he looked up, all of a sudden, and was there. Severus couldn't remember his first time standing on its bank, the water wiggling an inch from his feet, threatening to come too far up the muddy shore and soak the toe of his shoe; he knew he liked it here, though. He liked it better than his own home. But then again, home was Hogwarts; not this muggle suburbia his mother had settled for. He pulled at his collar, sighing.

Severus hated muggle clothes; he never had any that _fit_. Just a bunch of raddy button-ups and baggy jeans his mother brought home from the thrift store. He never asked for anything better since he only really needed these clothes for the summer, and then he was on the train to school in his wizard's robes. Robes, he liked; they were comfortable and easy to move in. They fit right.

He ran his fingers through his black hair, sighing again. He probably looked homeless. He looked up at the sky; light blue and covered in cotton ball clouds. It was a nice day. Warm, breezy and sunny; the kind of day he knew Lily loved. "Shit," Severus muttered, burying his face in his hands, "Why am I such an _idiot!_"

"That's what I'd like to know."

Severus spun around and blinked. Was he dreaming? He couldn't tell. Lily always looked like a Goddess to him, so sometimes it was hard to tell. "Lily…" he said, his voice soft. She stood with her hand on a jutted hip, her red hair long and wild to her waist, swinging in the breeze. Her bright green eyes, usually wide and joyous and full of life, were narrowed at him in what he could only interpret as irritation, "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask the same thing of you," Lily snapped back. She looked like she was grinding her teeth. She only did that when she was _really_ angry; usually over Petunia or James Potter. Severus stared at Lily for a second longer. Then he turned away. This was no dream; he couldn't dream these little quirks of hers no matter how hard he tried. "You know, you've got a lot of nerve," Lily said, while Severus continued to stare. He just couldn't get over the fact that she was here. _Really_ there.

They were both silent, then Lily sighed, breaking the tension. Her hand dropped to her side and she stood straight. Her gaze didn't soften. "What you said was unforgiveable," she said.

"I know," Severus replied quietly, staring pointedly at the ground in front of his shoes. He watched a snail, clinging to a blade of grass, which bobbed up and down over the mud.

"And I don't want a friend who is going to say things like that about me, Severus," Lily continued.

"I would never have said it if it weren't for that _Potter_, Lil-" Severus tried to say, but when he glanced up to meet her eyes, the look on Lily's face stopped him short.

"Don't blame this on James, Severus! This has nothing to do with him! This is about _you_. You called me a _mudblood_, Severus! Friends don't say those things to each other, and when they do, they don't _mean_ it. You meant it. And it really hurts, because I thought you cared. I thought you _understood_. And then I find out you're just like those Death Eater kids you hang out with at school," Lily stopped, taking a short breath, "And now I wonder if I was just being naïve to hope you were _different_."

Severus said nothing because there was nothing he could say. Lily wasn't wrong here. When he'd called her a mudblood, he'd meant it. He regretted it the moment after, but by then it was too late. You can't take something back once it's out there, no matter how much you want to. Not even with magic.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Lily snapped.

"What am I supposed to say? I've already said I'm sorry, and there's no point in denying anything because you know when I'm lying," he shrugged, "Seems to me that you've got me backed into a corner. You're the one who gets to decide what happens next." The silence that followed was profound in its awkwardness. The very air itself seemed to be waiting for this situation to play itself out.

When it looked as if Lily was about to turn away, Severus spoke up, "Lily, I'm sorry." Her eyes flickered back to his and he held her gaze. "What I said… it was horrible, ok? But I swear, I'll never say anything like that again. Not to _anyone_, ok? Just… Please forgive me so we can be friends again?" He paused, "Please…?"

Lily was still for a moment, then she looked down. "Can I trust you anymore, Sev…?" she whispered, so softly that Severus guessed that the words were more for her sake than for his. He answered anyway. "Yes. You can," he told her, stepping forward and placing a tentative hand on her shoulder. In that instant her head snapped up, and he tensed, thinking for a moment that she was going to slap him. Instead, she threw her arms around him in a hug and buried her face into his neck. It didn't take long to hug her back.

She was crying, and he was finding it difficult not to do the same. "Severus, I missed you so much," Lily said, her words shaky, "I didn't have anyone to really talk to! All my friends are strangers compared to you!" Severus knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help the thrill that ran through him when she said that. He meant more to her, she was saying. He was more important.

All he could manage to say back was, "I'm sorry, so sorry…" over and over until the both of them had gone silent and were just standing there holding each other. Anyone looking over might see a pair of teen lovers, but Severus knew better than to hope for that. To Lily, he was the brother she never had. And that was enough for him, or so he told himself each night. Lily pulled away first.

Her cheeks glistened with the remnants of tears, but her eyes weren't red. Just clear and green and smiling up at him like the rest of her expression.

"How did you find me?" Severus asked, before he could think of anything else.

"I don't know. I didn't really think about it, I guess. One minute I was walking home and the next minute I was passing up my house and headed here. I'm glad I did, though," she added simply. Severus smiled at her, "I'm glad, too."


End file.
